...motherhood rant

you'd think I only write when I'm pissed off, hunh. Yeah...it seems that's true. I vow to improve this.

Anyway, I think I'm entitled. I've been a mother longer than I've had a chance to be my own adult person. I've worked hard, made a lot of sacrifices and put the needs of my kids before mine, to make sure they had what they needed. It's been rough, but I think I've done a good job.

Well, I'm tired. After 18 years, wouldn't you be a little tuckered? Not that I'm ready to quit that job, but I need a serious vacation. And some regularly scheduled "ME" time. Is that too much to friggin ask? How I spend my "ME" time, should be "MY" bizness. If I spend it at a happyhour, sucking down $2.00 martinis, or in the library, working on my personal webpage, or on a date with some cutie/not-so-cutie, or shopping (hell, I could USE a $500 shopping spree)... Or if I spend it online, chatting all dayum night...isn't that my choice? Do I ALWAYS have to get up at dawn & create an agenda for the folks that live with me?! Motivate them by being up cooking/cleaning/being the epitome of the American Mom?!

Ok, I love my kids. Do NOT get that twisted. But if I can't get that "ME" time with their cooperation, then my "psyche" WILL rebel, and SOMEHOW, I'll take it. By force if necessary, feel me? And that's never pleasant. Which means folks WILL get put on permanent ignore, tasks WILL get neglected, the word NO WILL become an integral part of my vocabulary.

I don't want to be ugly, but I need to forewarn my fam (by fam I also mean my extended family–friends, etc.) before my stack blows & I lose what little compassion/empathy I have left. It's easy to dwell in a space with folks that you're not supposed to care about & REALLY not give a damn how they feel. It's hard as hell to do that around the people you love.

<sigh> I've vented. I feel almost able to articulate this to my fam without intentionally hurting their feelings.

gotta go...this conversation may take a while...